It is undeniable - the decisions you make directly impact the way you experience your life. You create the life you live by the choices you make.
As a three-year-old, one of our children really struggled with not getting his way. Whereas the older one either understood logic at the same age or perhaps was just naturally more accepting or accommodating, the second one got really worked up when things didn’t go as he wanted them to. I tried a few different techniques, including patience and just hoping that this phase would soon pass, but it was my husband who came up with the fool proof solution in the end. He started offering our distressed little one two choices. He’d say “You can either (insert: do what we need you to do) or you can (insert: do something very unappealing to the child, but always related to the circumstances, and not fear inducing)”, and every time he’d make the right choice and felt empowered by it. For example, if he was refusing to co-operate when it was time to leave a party we would say “We’re going to leave now. You can either come with us now or stay here without us”. Not only would he come, but he’d come calmly. He’s not so keen on vegetables but loves his fruit, so if he refused to eat his veggies we’d say, “You can either finish your veggies and then have some fruit or not finish your veggies and miss out on the fruit.” He’d always finish his veggies. I suspect the melt downs were due to him simply wanting some freedom and control in his life and by giving him two very clear choices he was able to make the right decision and feel a sense of responsibility and ownership over it.
Not long after discovering this technique I actually caught myself unconsciously using it on myself. “You can either do the washing now and then sit down to enjoy a book or you can read the book now, and feel guilty the whole time because the washing hasn’t been done.” Once I’d mastered the simple choices I moved on to the heavier ones. “You can either shout at the kids to pack up their toys and compromise your connection with them and possibly lose some of their respect, not to mention some self-respect; or you can take a deep breath, get down on their level, have a lengthy yet productive conversation with them and a successful outcome and feel positive about your approach and feel closer to your kids.”
Of course, in a heated moment you’re not going to see two obvious choices until after the shit has hit the fan, and for this you must be forgiven, but if you can practise it in the calmer moments you’ll build the neural pathways for better decision making in the future. Since practising this technique I’ve found myself feeling more empowered and more in control of my life. Rather than saying “oh, I have to do the shopping now”, I’m saying “I’m choosing to do the shopping now” because the truth is, I don’t actually HAVE to, instead I’m choosing to because the alternative doesn’t really suit me and then it’s so much less of a drag. And the same simple practise can be applied to bigger areas of your life. “Oh, I hate being stuck at home with the kids all the time”. Here’s the choices “I could be a stay at home mum and be there for my kids or I could go back to work and live the stressful life of juggling pick-ups and drop offs, schools, pre-schools and day care centres and feel as though I never see the kids.” Since figuring this one out I value the time I have with the kids more, without the resentment, and when I do return to work I will make that choice out of freedom and when it suits our family rather than from desperation.
Let’s apply this not just to the things we do or the way we see situations, let’s look at our feelings and our responses. When your partner didn’t take your advice and things don’t turn out so well, you have a choice as to how you respond. You could either say “I told you so, you idiot” and create a wedge between you, or you could reach out and connect by kindly saying “oh well, would you like a hand?” Believe it or not, you’re actually making these choices on a really regular basis, whether you know it or not, so why not make them conscious. You don’t have to respond in a certain way just because that’s how you responded last time or that’s how they’d respond in the same situation. Are you going to choose love and connection through your actions and words or are you going to choose distance? Because the choice really is yours. “Mummy, can you read me a story please?” You can either respond with frustration, pushing your child away – “No, I have to get dinner ready, maybe later”. Or you could say, knowing it’s going to take 5 minutes max – “Of course I can” and make your child feel loved.
And what about this one. When a life changing event occurs, like a relationship break down, a death, or a lost job, how will you respond? Because again, the choice really is yours. Will you break down, get miserable, wallow in self-pity, fear the world, hate the world? Or, will you gather yourself together, ask what you can learn from this experience, make the most of it and guarantee this situation isn’t going to stop you from having an extraordinary life, filled with extraordinary experiences and extraordinary relationships? You can only experience extraordinary when you choose love rather then fear or anger.
I know sometimes it’s hard to overcome certain patterns of thinking born from loss or fear or anger but it is possible, and these days there’s so much help available. But you have to make the choice. I’d hate you to get to the end of your life and see that if you just chose to let go of that issue your life and relationships would have been so much more fulfilling. I wonder, how are the choices you’ve made in the past affecting your life today? How do they affect the quality of your relationships?
As Willy Wonka said, “We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of the dreams”. What music will you choose to dream about making? And what choices will you make in order to make your dreams come true?