Recently I watch a movie called “Flash of Genius”, based on a true story, where the guy who invented the intermittent windshield wiper sued Ford for stealing his idea. He valiantly fought Ford for the next 12 years, representing himself, refusing any settlement, determined to do the right thing by getting Ford to admit they had robbed him. Despite a settlement offer of $30M he persisted. In the end, he won and only received around $10M. He didn’t care, he got the recognition he was after. In the process however, he had a break down and ended up losing his wife and the respect of his children. He felt they weren’t supporting him in his pursuit of doing what was right. But where was his support of his family? His pursuit has disabled him from being a good husband and father. His ego had blinded him from what actually was the right thing to do.
When we hear the word ego we often think of arrogant, good looking men with big muscles who drive fast cars and use hair gel. Every move they make is a scream to the world to “look at me, I’m the greatest!” This isn’t the ‘ego’ we’re going to be looking at today. Today we’re going to look at Freud’s ego – that self-conscious part of ourselves that’s aware of our feelings and thoughts and is very much responsible for the creation of our identity.
Essentially, the role of the ego is to ensure the survival of your identity. It does this by keeping you in your comfort zone, to keep things just the way they are and avoid potentially positive change because “better the devil you know”. Some of the ways the ego achieves this is by convincing you that you don’t have time to, or you don’t have the ability, or that you just don’t want to change. Sometimes the ego can prevent us from being kind and compassionate and can put a dampener on our inspiration simply out of a fear of change. And sometimes when you find ways to make changes despite the ego, it overinflates to provide a buffer from the change, which inevitably leads you right back to where you started. The ego is so powerful that when you try to use willpower to change, the ego almost always wins. Although the aforementioned self-promoting attitude is one way in which the ego presents itself, I’ve recently recognised other less in-your face identities that the ego uses to protect you. I’m sure we use all of them from time to time but we each prefer one or two. There’s the martyr who refuses to take a compliment and puts everyone else’s needs first. These people play the victim and although they’re putting the focus on others by helping them, they take their power away and are controlling in an unobtrusive almost sneaky way. There’s the anxious ego who can always see what could go wrong. Then there’s the intellectual ego who thinks very rationally and can always find a logical reason to resist change.
Unfortunately, these identities that the ego uses can have very detrimental effect on our relationships.
Let’s have a look at how these identities can affect the relationship you have with your child by using the example of teaching a young child how to unpack the dishwasher.
Classic Egotistical –This ego would say “That’s not how you do it, I know best, watch me and you’ll learn”. Of course, the kid will watch, but all they’ll see is the parent who is demanding their attention and they won’t learn how to do the job properly. The parent and child will not connect.
Martyr – This ego will crumble after moments of fuss from their child, saying “Oh okay, I’ll do it for you”. When you’re wearing this identity, you take away the child’s opportunity to learn responsibility and independence. The parent and child will not connect.
Anxious – This ego will see the potential hazards, screaming “Oh my goodness, no, you’re going to cut yourself, I’ll do the knives, oh no, you’re going to drop the china, I’ll put the plates away”. Here, you’re teaching your child to be scared of the world and not to trust themselves. The parent and child will not connect.
Intellectual –This ego will be demanding perfection, saying “Oh, no, that’s not how you stack the cups, you have to do it this way because that’s the right way”. In this instance, you’re teaching kids inflexibility and how to have such high standards that there’s little point in trying. The parent and child will not connect.
In all of these instances, the needs of the identity have been put before the needs of the relationship. The same happens so often in romantic relationships, where the individual refuses to sacrifice a part of their identity despite the potential deepening of their relationship with another. In the workplace people often put their own personality needs before the greater needs of the project. We don’t do this on purpose and given the choice would probably forgo our identity needs. With some practise and awareness, you will be able to recognise more often when your ego is at play and shift your mindset in order to get your priorities straight.
Once you become aware that your ego is playing you, open your heart. Your ego doesn’t live here. In the case of your child, once your heart reminds your head of the true purpose of the exercise, the child will be the centre of attention, because they’re the ones doing the learning. You will teach them responsibility and confidence, rather than fear. You will give them the freedom to find a way that works for them and to improve on it next time. And when you come from love, you’re less likely to get frustrated by the fact that they’re not doing it your way and that they’re taking waaaay to long to complete the task. Finally, the parent and child will connect.