Once you begin to understand your own needs better, it does actually become easier to understand your partner’s, even if their needs differ from yours. We’ve briefly looked at Core Needs before, those being certainty, variety, love and connection, significance, contribution and growth. Today we’re going to look a little deeper. This will not only help you to understand your partner’s needs, but it will give you greater understanding of your own too.
The first four needs are needs of the personality. Individuals will stop at nothing to satisfy these needs whether they’re aware of it or not. Growth and contribution are spiritual needs.
By becoming aware of them consciously, we can control the way we satisfy them in a positive, resourceful and sustainable manner, rather than negatively, un-resourcefully and unsustainably.
Everyone has one or two personality needs that drive them more than the others. By identifying our primary core needs, we become empowered to find ways to satisfy our needs – in balance. By the same token, understanding the needs of others, especially our family, gives us the opportunity to assist in satisfying them.
Your needs will change as you move through the life stages. For example, a woman may require more stability once she has a child and desire less variety.
Certainty
We all need certainty in our lives. Some people attain this certainty through minimising change in their lives, earning a lot of money, owning their own home, staying in the same job. How we get that certainty determines the quality of our lives. Some people, in their search for certainty control others or their environment, don’t trust others or refuse help. The more certainty we seek outside of ourselves the less risks we take, so the less growth and connection we experience, and the more uncertain and fearful we become. A more positive way to seek security is to believe in yourself. The more we take responsibility for our own sense of certainty, the greater our feelings of love and connection and the more growth we’ll be willing to experience, so the greater our sense of self-worth.
Our ability to handle uncertainty around us is directly equal to how much success we experience because the more uncertainty we can deal with, and still move forwards, the better leader we become.
Uncertainty
The flip side of this is our need for variety or adventure. So, whilst we need some level of certainty to function, we also need some level of variety. If things are too predictable for too long we get bored, so we spice things up to feel variety.
How we do this tells us a lot about the quality of our lives. If things are cruising along, for example, in a relationship, and we’re ‘settled’, do we stir things up by picking a fight? Or do we stir things up by doing something spontaneous and romantic? Both create variety, but the first response is going to create a lower quality of life and the second choice can improve our quality of life. One response is functional and resourceful. One response is un resourceful.
Some people don’t want too much variety, and if they get it they retreat and close down and become ineffective. Some people respond to too much variety by becoming a ‘control freak’ to get things back under control. Some people run away. Some people relish the uncertainty and become even more resourceful.
The more variety (uncertainty) and unpredictability you can enjoy, the more success you’ll have.
Certainty and variety can be contradictory. You must find a way to balance the two.
Significance
The need for significance can be met through our egos, which is tiresome and grating on others. The need for significance can be met through service to others and giving. It can be met through doing something that you’re proud of, through blaming someone, through yelling. There are lots of ways to meet this need, some harmful and some helpful.
If you blame others for your mess, you’re meeting your need for significance. If you take responsibility for the mess, you’re meeting your need for significance. Both accomplish meeting the need, one is resourceful, the other is not.
You can meet your need for significance through being a leader, solving problems, serving others, facing challenges. And you can meet it through blaming others, yelling and sulking.
Meeting the need for significance can cause trouble in truly connecting with others because if we focus on comparing ourselves to others or raise our standards we set ourselves apart, leaving little room for connection.
Love and Connection
We all need to feel connected in some way. This is one of the most common primary needs and is often met in the least resourceful manners. We may get this need met through a relationship, through meditation, exercise, hiking, praying, writing, talking. Or we could get it through smoking, drinking, arguing.
Having a family is a beautiful way to experience connection in a positive manner. Unfortunately, when stress and uncertainty reign, connection with our spouse and children may be met through anger and argument. I have found that regular practices of relaxation enable a closer connection with your family.
Significance and Love and Connection can be contradictory. You must find a way to balance the two.
Growth
If we grow, we feel good about ourselves, our self-worth improves, our confidence builds, we feel more certainty, we’re experiencing more variety, we’re feeling good (significant).
If we’re not growing, we feel we’re shrinking, and we could feel we’re ‘in a rut’. We all need to grow in some way, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. We must nurture all elements of our lives - money, health, relationship, happiness and love to ensure constant growth, development and expansion otherwise they will degenerate.
Contribution
Contribution is very powerful and capable of satisfying all other 5 needs. This may be contribution to a cause, leaving a mark on the world, donating money or time to charity, writing a book or simply helping others. All relationships are definitely a way in which we can meet our need for contribution when we are willing to put others first.
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If any behaviour that you elicit meets at least three of your needs, you become addicted to that behaviour. You will keep doing it, even if it hurts you, because it’s meeting your needs. We get addicted to behaviour because it meets needs. We give up behaviours if they no longer meet our needs.
If you complain about other people (significance), avoid taking responsibility (certainty) and get overly emotional about problems (connection) – you’re going to meet three needs. You will become addicted to that pattern of behaviour unless you become aware of how it’s meeting your needs and then find an alternative behaviour that will meet those needs in a more resourceful and functional way.
If you love leading others (certainty of self, variety, significance, connection) and taking responsibility for results (certainty of self, variety, significance) you’ll keep leading.
Within a relationship, when you satisfy two of the needs of the other person you have a connection, if you satisfy 4 you have a strong attachment and if you satisfy all six you are permanently bonded.
Things to give thought to this week:
If you have a partner that’s fully on board with all of this, it may be a good idea to discuss these questions with them because your partner will be able to shed light on some of your behaviour that is so deeply ingrained you may not be aware of it.
· What are your two primary core needs? If you’re unsure, ask yourself ‘what is life about?’ If it’s about relationships, you have a need for love and connection. If it’s about leaving your mark on the world, that’s significance. If it’s about finding peace, you have a strong need for certainty and if life is a box of chocolates, you love uncertainty! What are your partner’s primary needs?
· How can you go about satisfying your partner’s needs more, now that you have a better idea of what they are?
· Are you performing any un resourceful need satisfying behaviour within your relationship that compromises the needs of your partner? What can you do differently?