It’s been said that for a woman to have sex she needs a reason, but a man just needs a place! This is because it’s the man’s job to just spread his seed and she’s supposed to be the picky one to make sure it’s only the quality seed that grows. A woman is also at a higher risk of feeling vulnerable because she’s generally less strong than a man, so she must feel safe and protected before being intimate. And often a woman may want to feel a lack of vulnerability not only physically, but also emotionally. And for a woman a huge part of that is being understood. She thinks, “if he knows me well and still loves me, then I can trust him.”
Re-vitalising your intimacy and sex life isn’t something that can happen overnight. It’s something that once changes are implemented and maintained, will naturally grow over time.
In order to nurture the intimacy in your relationship, consider implementing some of the following changes into your relationship:
1. Reduce your stress and work on your confidence. Before you even think about changes that need to be made within the relationship, think about the changes you could make within yourself that will affect your intimacy levels positively. Identify areas of stress in your life and take action to reduce them. It’s hard to feel relaxed and get in the mood when you feel stressed. Remember to think about physical and chemical stresses as well as emotional ones. Change your diet if you need to. If you feel shy about being intimate with your partner and have trouble just letting go, you may need to work on your confidence. You can do this by being aware of your thoughts, and if you hear yourself talking to you negatively, change it around. If you hear yourself saying “I’m too uptight” change it to “I feel relaxed” or if it’s “I don’t like the way my body looks”, shift your focus and say instead “I love the way my body feels”.
2. Improve communication between you and your partner, talk more frequently, more honestly and about more relevant things that affect your relationship. Get curious about who your partner is, their likes and dislikes, what makes them tick, what they believe in, what makes them happy, sad, angry. You may not see the relevance of all this but in time you will feel closer and if your partner is a woman, she will want to get intimate more often.
3. Get physical by touching and hugging more, holding hands and kissing more. While you’re on “mission: get to know your partner better” ask them about how they like to be touched. It’s different for everyone. Someone may just love to be embraced for a while, others like massages, their hair stroked, or behind their left knee tickled… Find out where it is for your lover.
4. Send random “I’m thinking of you” texts regularly or write love notes. If this doesn’t come naturally to you, don’t be embarrassed to google some hints. ‘Love letters” and “how to write a love letter” are a good place to start a search. Once you find something that resonates with you, just copy it and give it to your beloved. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the effort, despite your natural flair.
5. Bring little “I’m thinking of you” gifts home. You don’t have to spend heaps of money, it’s just a symbol that you’ve been thinking about them while you’ve been away. Be sure to make them impractical gifts though. This ensures that the message is “just because I love you”, rather than “you could use this to help make my dinner for me”.
6. Surprise your partner by doing things for them that within the relationship it’s expected they usually take responsibility for, like emptying the dishwasher, doing the washing up, washing the car, making their coffee, paying a bill, contacting the school about one thing or another, booking a restaurant, or taking the rubbish out if it’s not usually your responsibility.
7. Compliment your partner more, preferably not on physical elements but on their personal attributes. You may say “you know, you’re really great with the kids, I’m so pleased they have you for a father”, or “I love the way you think outside the box and make me see things from a different point of view”.
8. Prioritise spending more time together. Schedule it if you have to and stick to it! Don’t rely on your partner to remind you, this relationship depends on equal contribution. Use your time together to think of other ways you’d like to spend tie together in the future and write a list.
For some people, taking just one or two of the above steps is going to throw them into your arms. But, for others, they’re going to need all eight steps and possibly many times. This may be related to how long it’s been since they felt close to you, or it could just be a result of their personality. I assure you though, if you have one of the slow ones, once you finally break down their wall and re-connect with them, it will take much much longer to break the intimacy.
Things to give thought to this week:
· Think about some areas of your life in which you could easily reduce some of your stress.
· In what ways will you work on improving your confidence?
· Write a list of questions to ask your partner in order to get curious and learn more about them. Remember to ask them what their favourite way to be touched is. If they’re not sure – experiment!
· Google some famous love letters to get inspiration.
· What tasks can you do for your partner that they usually do?
· What do you love most about your partner? Make a commitment to verbalise it through compliments.
· Schedule a regular date night with your partner and stick to it.