When a child, well anyone actually, feels understood, they feel part of something. They feel safe and protected. They feel more confident to take risks in terms of expressing their ideas, their concerns and their feelings. This is why it’s so important to ensure, even if you’ve heard and understood completely, that you communicate this to them. Here’s the three most effective ways to make your child understand that they’re understood.
1. Listen
Sounds obvious, I know. But I’m serious. I’m a mum of three. I can multi-task really well. I can cook dinner, talk on the phone, unpack school bags, follow a three-way-under-6 argument in the next room and drink wine, all at the same time. But just because I know what’s going on doesn’t mean they know I know.
So how do you listen in a way they feel heard? Sit down with them. Do nothing else. Look them in the eye and hold their hand while they speak; and listen. Now of course we can’t sit down with them every time they open their mouth, that would be silly. Of course, we’re talking here about the serious matters, when a child feels vulnerable and unsure, when you really have to hold the space for them while they process and express what’s going on for them on a big cosmic sort of scale. Get the other kids out of the room if you can, and really communicate to your child that at this point in time, their needs are more important than anything else and you’re here for them. As you listen, ask them questions, in order to help them express themselves and show your concern.
If you reflect what your child has said back to them and they say “no, you don’t understand”, stick with them. Tell them you want to understand, and could they please help you. And keep asking questions until they feel that you are on the same page.
2. Reflect back
Do your kids repeat themselves, again and again? It’s not because they’ve forgotten what they’ve said. It’s because you may have neglected (amongst the ten million other things you’ve got going on) to acknowledge them. It’s really important in these listening moments to reflect what you’ve heard back to your kids. Not only does this show that you understand what they’ve said but summarising it helps them to articulate and understand it themselves. Identify the feelings that they are experiencing and ask “Are you feeling ?” You may not get it right the first time, but with a few more questions and guesses you will. This demonstrates that even if you don’t understand them initially, you won’t rest until you do. Once you’ve done this you can them make suggestions as to how to manage whatever is going on. It may be taking certain action, or simply letting the emotions work their way through in their own time.
3. Bring it up again
Apart from understanding the issue itself, the child needs to know that you understand how important it is for them. Be sure to follow up with them about the issue. If you devised a strategy to overcome it, ask them how it went. Ask them how they feel about it now, whether the emotion is stuck or has shifted, if they’ve gained a new perspective. If you see something that reminds you of what they spoke about, share it with them. It might be a poem, a tv show, a story from someone else’s life. This makes them feel not only that you understood at the time, but still do and remember it.
Things to give thought to this week:
· On a scale of 1-10, how good are you at taking the time to make your child feel understood.
· Do you only listen when you think the issue is important or do you listen when it’s important to the child?
· Implement the steps outlined above
Photo by 🇸🇮Janko Ferlič - @specialdaddy on Unsplash