After having kids and the initial novelty as well as the sleepless haze wares off, you emerge from the tunnel of satisfying everyone else’s needs and realise that the person you were before the chaos no longer exists. You try to get back out there by doing the things you used to love but you feel out of place. Your needs have changed, your likes and dislikes have changed, and it’s time to get to know yourself all over again. “But didn’t I do that in my 20s? I thought all that was behind me!” Sorry kid, you won’t stop learning and growing till you die. Of course parenthood has changed you! How couldn’t it have. You’ve trained yourself to supress your needs, you’ve had to sacrifice parts of your identity in order to serve your offspring. And you did it willingly. But where to now?
In previous blog posts we’ve explored our beliefs, identity, values and goals. As you head back to work after kids, or as the kids leave home, it’s really important to look at these aspects of yourself as you move into the next phase of your life. As a parent of young ones you may have valued safety and security above all else. Perhaps they’re not quite so applicable anymore and you’re ready to have a bit more fun. Maybe you believed that it was important to be a stay-at-home mum for your kids until they started school but by the time the third one is 2 you’re so worn down that you realise it might be best for everyone if you put her in care, just for a couple of days to start with. And at one time you embraced being a stay at home mum wearing the title with pride. But it doesn’t fit quite so well anymore as you feel the pull towards full time work. The beauty about our lives is that nothing is set in stone, we can be whoever we want to be. If our beliefs shift to suit our circumstances, then so be it, if we need a costume change part way through the play of life then show me the wardrobe! If the things that used to be so dear to us no longer light our fire, let them go and get a new box of matches. Re-invent yourself, be whoever you want to be, whenever you want to be.
As I headed back to work after nearly 7 years of full-time parenting, I felt completely out of place. Not only had I changed, but the world had changed, including the way business was performed. At times, I still struggle to balance my two very separate worlds of home mum and working woman. Here’s what keeps me moving in a forward direction:
> I think about my identity as a mum and realise that I will always be that and now I’m just going to also be a bit more
> I remind myself that I have a calling to follow
> I remind myself that my calling is to serve more people than the ones at home and that they will one day understand and feel proud to have contributed
> When I feel anxious about putting myself out there I acknowledge the fear but plough ahead anyway. I recognise that it’s perfectly natural and a sign that what I’m doing is important to me. And as long as I deliver the message successfully, the fear is irrelevant
> I remind myself that if I don’t do this soon I’ll go bonkers and that’s not good for anyone
> I’m kind to myself, giving myself friendly little talks of encouragement and acknowledgement when I do good
> I decided to learn from any mistakes rather than beat myself up
> I just kept going and doing
> And sometimes I look back and see what I’ve achieved by being the mum to three awesome little humans and realise that my new goals are going to be a walk in the park!
Things to give thought to this week:
· As I move into the next phase of my life, what aspects of my old self (my identity) am I willing to let go of and what do I want to bring with me?
· What beliefs do I need to evolve in order to make my new life work?
· How should I shift my values to support my new life?
· What small changes can I implement this week that will contribute to the new me?
· How can I satisfy my need for “me time”?