People tend to manage their anger in one of two ways when they’re stressed. Either they suppress the anger and withdraw which can often lead to depression or they blow their lid. The reason we have trouble managing our anger when we’re stressed is because stress can affect higher thinking. In caveman terms, when we have to run for our life, energy is taken from the part of our brain that’s capable of logic and reason. Without this part of our brain we don’t process the anger effectively, so it gets either pushed down, which can lead to health issues down the road or explodes which may result in further emotional and relational issues later on. Today we’re going to look at ways of avoiding anger and then ways to manage it if it does pop up.
As they say, prevention is better than a cure. Here’s a few ways to prevent the anger building in the first place so it rarely becomes an issue:
1. Reduce the stresses is your life. Improve your diet and smoke less. Exercise and expose yourself to fewer chemicals in your food, cleaning and beauty products. Address your toxic relationships and resign from any jobs or hobbies that cause you stress.
2. Relax on a regular basis, preferably through meditation.
3. Make a pact with yourself that if you do ever feel yourself about to blow your lid that you’ll stop and take a deep breath. This won’t always work, and that’s ok, but at least by doing this you give yourself a chance. You’ll improve with practise.
4. Take some time to think about your top 5 anger-inducing situations. It might be seeing a certain person at work, your mother-in-law or talking to your partner about that issue you just can’t seem to agree on. Think about the other person’s perspective and make a commitment to really listen to and understand their point of view. This doesn’t mean you’re going to give in, but it makes it so much easier to come up with a solution that will satisfy everyone’s needs which will naturally prevent an anger incident. To see things from another’s perspective, firstly you must be in a productive state. Don’t try and stand in their shoes if you’re angry. Release the anger first and try to come from a state of compassion and kindness. If this is challenging, first think of any obvious hardships this person is or has endured. It may be the loss of a loved one, a broken marriage, maybe they had a major life change such as a relocation or a new job. Rather than seeing the disagreement as an isolated misunderstanding, look at the bigger picture so you can see what’s going on for them in other areas of their life that might have instigated this response. You never know, it might even give you a clearer perspective of your own motivations, leading you to realise you’ve been harsh on them.
Now that you’re prepared, when you are in those situations, at the very first sign of anger brewing, do the following:
5. Remember the promise you made to yourself and take a slow, deep, breath. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see their side of the argument.
6. Think before you speak. If you need a few minutes to gather your thoughts just excuse yourself for the loo and come back to them with a calmer mind.
7. Express your own point of view in a calm, non-confrontational manner.
8. Offer possible solutions without bullying the other party to concede.
9. Use humour to release tension for both of you.
Once you get through the immediate moment, you must take some time to process the anger and prevent it from re-surfacing once it’s resolved. Here’s some tips for doing just that:
10. You may have put a lid on it, but it’s still in the pot and if you don’t release it, it’ll accumulate and be harder to put that lid back on next time. You may use exercise to release the anger, punch a pillow, throw stones into a river. Whatever works for you, do it. Soon you’ll have very little fire left to fuel it.
11. Don’t hold a grudge. Once the issue’s resolved, let it go, otherwise you may unconsciously invent a new issue through which to channel the anger. If you are struggling to let the anger go, try visualising it as a fire inside you and watch yourself pour buckets of water on it until it’s all gone.
12. If you’re still struggling to manage your anger in a productive way it might be time to seek professional help. There are so many different therapies that could help you, so you’ll have no worries finding one that suits you.
Things to give thought to this week:
· Identify your top 5 unresolved anger inducing circumstances and ask yourself:
o What is the specific underlying issue for me?
o What’s my trigger?
o What is their argument and side of the story?
o What is our common ground?
o What solution can I offer?
o What am I going to do differently next time I’m in that situation?
· What will I do to prevent myself from anger outbursts in the future?
· What issues do I really need to let go of?
· Make a pact with yourself that if you feel anger brewing you will take a slow deep breath