There are 6 needs that every human has. The role of the unconscious is to satisfy these needs no matter what, even if we’re not aware of how we’re doing it or if we’re doing it in a negative way. By deepening your understanding of these needs you will be more able to recognise when your child is trying to satisfy them, and if they’re doing that in an un resourceful way, you will more likely be equipped to find other ways to satisfy them. The needs are:
1. Certainty (comfort, safety, stability, security, protection)
2. Uncertainty (variety, adventure, fun, fear, change, entertainment, surprise, crisis, drama)
3. Significance (pride, importance, standards, achievement, performance, perfection, discipline, competition)
4. Love and connection (insignificance, passion, unity, warmth, tenderness, desire, togetherness)
5. Growth
6. Contribution
By becoming aware of them consciously, we can have some input as to the way our children satisfy them in a positive, resourceful and sustainable manner, rather than negatively, un-resourcefully and unsustainably. For instance, in an attempt to feel a connection with you, your child may draw all over the wall in permanent marker to get your attention. Instead of thinking they’re just naughty and send them to their room, you will now have the understanding that they just want and needyou to notice them. And in the future, you can make sure you connect with your child regularly in order to prevent such behaviour.
Although we all have the six needs, one or two are usually dominant, yet can change as you move through the life stages. For example, a child may have a higher need for connection and certainty when they’re young, but as they grow will seek more variety.
Certainty
Children, given how vulnerable they are, require high levels of certainty and security. They need to know that there are certain people in their lives that they can rely on and places they go that are predictable. If a child is feeling insecure, they may act in certain ways, by using poor behaviour for example, in order to illicit a predictable response in you. Or they may withdraw emotionally because interaction with others can be unpredictable. If life is tumultuous for your child, for example, if you move house often, ensure that you remain emotionally supportive and predictable for them. And never break a promise!
Although children have a great need for certainty, ensure that within the solid foundations of the family unit that you have created for them, there is enough variety to ensure stimulation and learning.
Uncertainty
The flip side of this is our need for variety or adventure. So, whilst we need some level of certainty to function, we also need some level of variety. If things are too predictable for too long we get bored, so we spice things up to feel variety. Sound like your kid?!
Sibling rivalry might be attributed to a child’s need for variety, thinking “I’m bored, I’m going to pick a fight just for fun!” So make sure you offer plenty of opportunities for fun and adventure in your child’s life. Just be aware that children have a greater need for stability and security than adults due to their vulnerability, so if you’re a particularly adventurous parent, ensure your children still feel safe.
Significance
The need for significance can be met through our egos, which is tiresome and grating on others. The need for significance can be met through service to others and giving. It can be met through doing something that your proud of, through blaming someone, through yelling. There are lots of ways to meet this need, some harmful and some helpful.
If you blame others for your mess, you’re meeting your need for significance. If you take responsibility for the mess, you’re meeting your need for significance. Both accomplish meeting the need, one is resourceful, the other is not.
You can meet your need for significance through being a leader, solving problems, serving others, facing challenges. And you can meet it through blaming others, yelling and sulking.
As parents, it is our role to guide our children towards making behavioural choices that satisfy our need for significance in positive ways. When you see your child seeking significance in a poor way, don’t just tell them to stop. Direct them to a good behaviour that satisfy the same need and acknowledge them for it.
Love and Connection
We all need to feel connected in some way. This is one of the most common primary needs, and is often met in the least resourceful manners. Children may get this need met through their relationships, through sport, prayer, creativity, writing or talking. Or they could get it through attention seeking behaviour.
Children primarily rely on their parents to fulfil this need. When we are stressed and uncertainty reigns, connection with our children may be met through anger and argument. I have found that regular practices of relaxation enable a closer connection with family.
Growth
If we grow, we feel good about ourselves, our self-worth goes up, our confidence builds, we feel more certainty, we’re experiencing more variety, we’re feeling good (significant).
If we’re not growing, we feel we’re shrinking, and we could feel we’re ‘in a rut’. We all need to grow in some way, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. We must nurture all elements of our lives – health, relationships, knowledge, happiness and love to ensure constant growth, development and expansion otherwise they will degenerate.
Encourage and support your children in their emotional and intellectual growth. This isn’t just the school’s role. In fact, development beyond school is particularly valuable because it’s ‘unrequired’ growth, independent, or growth by choice.
Contribution
Contribution is very powerful and capable of satisfying all other 5 needs. This may be contribution to a cause, leaving a mark on the world, donating money or time to charity, writing a bookor simply helping others. If you can teach your child the value of contribution at an early age it is bound to stick with them. Try things like helping a neighbour, donating some pocket money to a charity, being a part of the local rural show or striving for a place on the school’s leadership team.
~
If any behaviour that you elicit meets at least three of your needs, you become addicted to that behaviour. You will keep doing it, even if it hurts you, because it’s meeting your needs. We get addicted to behaviour because it meets needs. We give up behaviours if they no longer meet our needs.
For example, if your child complains about other people (significance), avoids taking responsibility (certainty) and gets overly emotional about problems (connection) – they’re going to meet three needs. They will become addicted to that pattern of behaviour unless you help them to find an alternative behaviour that will meet those needs in a more resourceful and functional way.
Things to give thought to this week:
· For each child, what do you think their two primary needs are? If you’re not sure, ask yourself “what is life about for my child?” If your child loves spending time with you, and really values their friendships, it’s probably a need for love and connection. If your kid just loves to have fun and is a bit wild and daring, then they need more uncertainty.
· What are some of your child’s most annoying or frustrating behaviours? What need do you think they’re trying to meet by doing this? And how can you encourage them to find more productive ways to fulfil it?
· Are there ways in which you can meet your child’s needs?