Do any of your children seem to have a more special bond with your spouse or perhaps a grandparent that leaves you wondering what you’re doing wrong? It could be a neighbour or teacher or someone else in your community that your child seems to be particularly fond of. This may be due to the fact that this person, unintentionally, is speaking your child’s love language. I know that when I was growing up, for no logical reason, I often doubted my parent’s love for me. I mean I knew in my head that they loved me, there was so much evidence for it, but I struggled on occasion to really feel it. Now that I know what I know it’s plain to see that they simply didn’t communicate that love in the mode I needed them to in order for me to deeply understand and feel it.
It goes without saying that you love your child with all your heart. When a child feels completely loved, this enables the child to learn effectively, be motivated by others, motivate themselves, take responsibility, achieve their goals more successfully, take initiative, have increased self-esteem, be more resilient, avoid rebellion and attention seeking behaviour and avoid resentment, guilt, fear and insecurity. Unfortunately, despite a parent’s deep feeling of love, the child doesn’t necessarily always feel that love. And this is because the parent and child might be speaking in different ‘love languages’.
In 1995, Gary Chapman gave the world “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts”, that takes a look at the ways in which people both express and understand love. The 5 Love Languages are:
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Physical touch
We each respond to all of the languages but one will be more important than the others and as parents we must put more energy into that one for our child. It’s also interesting to note that not everyone uses the same language to give love, as to receive it. So, you might show your love through gifts, but need someone to spend quality time with you in order to feel their love. If your child’s love language isn’t obvious, try testing them. Use each one predominantly for a week and see what happens. Which one changes your child’s behaviour for the better most effectively? For older children, you could even have a conversation with them. Introduce them to the concept of love languages, share with them yours, then ask them to tell you what you’ve done in the past that’s made them feel the most loved.
Here are some ways to use the love languages to communicate your immense love for them.
Words of affirmationnot just includes saying ‘I love you’. It incorporates all the genuine and meaningful words you use to express your love for your child and why you love them. It means acknowledging what they’ve done that you appreciate or are proud of. You must be specific when you do this. Rather than “Good job” or “Well done” say something like “Thank you so much for helping me bring in the shopping. It’s saved me heaps and time and energy. That’s really thoughtful of you.”
Acts of serviceare all those little things you can do to help your child – packing their lunch, finding their lost school books, fixing their broken toy, building them a tree house and so on. Don’t do these things because they deserve it. And when you do something for them out of resentment, well, that doesn’t count either. These are simply ‘because I love you’ favours.
Receiving giftsis pretty self-explanatory and something most of us can understand very easily. With this love language though you have to be really careful that the gift doesn’t get linked to positive behaviour or used as a reward. It must simply be a ‘just because I love you’ gift. And don’t worry, you don’t have to spend heaps of money! It can be as simple as a postcard sent while you’re away.
Quality timecan be one of the most challenging love languages to express, particularly for busy families. It requires you to set some time aside to spend with your child one on one, focusing on something they enjoy doing. Quality time does not include getting them to help you with the household chores or dragging them with you to run errands! Sit down with them and figure out what they love to do with you, and then schedule it in!
When it comes to kids, Physical touchcan include holding hands, co-sleeping, lots of cuddles, tickles, high fives, kisses and knuckles. For a teenager who may seem to need less of this ‘lovey dovey’ sort of stuff, they may be better communicated to through playful wrestling, the classic “pat on the back” or even contact sport.
It’s really quite incredible the changes you can make to your child’s behaviour by implementing these simple techniques to show your child how much you love them. You will feel more deeply connected to them and they will feel as though they can trust you more and be more open and honest with you.
Things to give thought to this week:
· Figure out your children’s love languages, do this by testing them one by one and seeing the response they get
· With older children (from about 8 is an ideal time because they still openly love you so and can begin to understand these concepts without defensiveness), have a conversation about love languages and be sure to include your own in the discussion and see if they respond by showing you love how you need it
· Make a list of all the ways you could show your child love in their language so you can pull it out and use it when you need it most, which is more than likely when they seem to deserve it the least and you struggle to think of productive ideas