The majority of relationship breakdowns are the result of ineffective communication. So many relationships could have be saved if the couples prioritised their communication skills. Developing good communication makes people feel understood and respected in their relationship. It enables the couple to find positive solutions to any challenges, without being emotionally triggered.
Here are the keys to using communication to navigate your relationship positively:
1. Mutual Respect and Trust
So many people expect to be respected by their partner but then fail to return the favour. Respect means giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and believing that they are doing the best they possibly know how to, for you and for the relationship. By respecting your partner you create a safe space in which they can express their ideas and needs without being judged. When you respect your partner you put your ego aside and stop defending your own opinion. When two people are simply defending themselves the whole time, there’s no way forwards. I’ve seen this time and time again and it just puts walls up between you. Respect is a way to lower the wall so that you can begin to work as a team.
2. Don’t discuss issues when you’re emotionally charged
I know that it might seem logical to try to resolve a problem when both people are desperately wanting a resolution and the issue is burning hot. But when you ‘discuss’ issues when they arise, chances are you’re feeling angry, hurt, resentful and self-centred. This is not a good emotional state from which to address the problem. So, when a challenge comes up, even though it’s probably the hardest thing to do, you have to STOP your arguing. Each of you must find a space of your own and just calm down. For some you might do this by going for a walk, maybe meditating, or cooking and of course EFT Tapping is a great way to release negative emotions and calm down. Once you’ve calmed down, you can discuss the issue (one at a time) is a calm and logical manner. If you find yourself triggered again, STOP again until you can resolve the issue from this calm centred place.
3. Listen to understand rather than to respond or defend
When a couple are at odds they often take the defensive standpoint. They suddenly move from being part of the team to being a solo player, fighting for their own rights and needs rather than those of the relationship or their partner. So when it comes to discussing the situation, even when they’ve managed to remove the emotional triggers, they listen to their partners message with the intension of defending themselves once it’s their turn to speak or responding in a way that just makes them seem like the ‘better’ partner. Have you done this? Instead, when you are listening to your partner, make the goal to truly understand them. And once they’ve finished talking, instead of a rebuttal, choose instead to repeat what they’ve said to you in order to make sure you really understand, and if you haven’t understood them, ask more questions until you do. Having said that, when your partner is listening to you, be patient with them and if they misunderstand you, find ways to explain it in a different way until your message is crystal clear.
4. Believe that you can always find a solution to any challenge, together
If you don’t believe that you and your partner can face the world together and ride the waves without surviving, why are you still together? Although it’s important for individual needs within a relationship to be met, they mustn’t be met simply because you want to win or have one up on your partner. True loving relationships are about working as a team to find solutions for each other and also for the relationships and prioritising the most important needs. After all, isn’t that what relationships are about – having that person with whom you can travel through the game of life with, help you over the hurdles, someone who always has your back, no matter what. Be that person for your partner and they’ll respond in kind.
By practising these simple techniques you and your partner will find a whole new level of depth within your relationship, deeper levels of connection, understanding, intimacy and love.
Things to give thought to this week: It’s time for some honesty.
- When you argue with your partner, do you think of the needs of the relationship and your partner or are you only concerned with your needs?
- Do you expect your partner to respect you and your opinion and then don’t offer them the same regard?
- What’s the best way you can calm yourself down from being emotionally triggered?
- Do you and your partner have life goals that you’re working on together? This is a great way to practise your communication skills.