This week I celebrated 8 years of marriage. I’m proud of what we’ve achieved and the relationship we’ve created. We’ve faced many challenges (such as 3 kids and 7 moves in 8 years) and undergone quite a bit of stress (such as isolation and not having family nearby for support). We’re both extremely independent and stubborn, which doesn’t always work well for a relationship. I’m certain that without the knowledge I have, and the will to never give up, I wouldn’t feel the security I do about the foundation we’ve created for our future together.
From my own experience and the knowledge I’ve been fortunate enough to have acquired, I share with you my Top 4 tips for a Successful Long-term Relationship:
1. Get rid of your emotional baggage
As we travel through life it’s inevitable that we have negative or even traumatic experiences, especially in regard to relationships, either with parents, partners or close friends. If the emotions produced by these experiences aren’t processed, they get stuck in the body. We fail to process emotions for a variety of reasons. Perhaps we were taught as a young child that being emotional is unacceptable or inappropriate. Maybe the emotion was simply too big to process. Sometimes even there was just too much emotion, so we stuffed it down and saved it for later. The problem is, our bodies don’t want to be holding on to negative emotions, as it can lead to illness, so it takes every opportunity it can get to get rid of it. This means that emotions are there, lying in wait, for any opportunity to be expressed and therefore processed. Unfortunately, these emotions are often easily triggered in our relationships, causing anger, fear and doubt between a couple.
If you didn’t do it before you came into your relationship, I strongly encourage you to clean your slate of trapped emotions, for the sake of your relationship. These are events that happened before you even met your partner and they’re causing you to either doubt your partner, distrust them or get angry with them. This isn’t fair on your partner and it doesn’t give your relationship the chance to thrive.
Tapping is the best way I know to release trapped negative emotions. It’s a safe, quick and easy process. For more information visit www.eftuniverse.com. If you would like a facilitator to support you through the process, book an appointment with me online at www.racheljakobi.com.
2. Adopt a ‘we are a team’ attitude
You are a couple. You supposedly love one another. You are on the same team. Always remember this. If your partner says or does something that triggers you, instead of getting angry, or insulting them, or even withdrawing as a sign of opposition, get curious. Make an effort to understand them and take the opportunity to share your own thoughts on the topic. If there’s still a clash, at least you know where each other is coming from so you can then work together, as a team, sharing ideas in order to find a solution.
3. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt
As we’ve already established, our partners are good at triggering us. When we get triggered, our defences go up and we think the worst of our partner, only to find out later, after lots of arguing and anguish, that our partner had good intentions after all. How about swapping things around to avoid the clash altogether? If your partner does something that seems intentionally hurtful, stop and think “I’m sure they think they’re doing the right thing”. Usually you’ll find out they were.
Maybe you have a partner who in the past hasn’t had your best interests at heart. So, you’ve developed doubt in them and even when they try to improve and do the right thing, you haven’t trusted them based on their track record and then they think “Why do I bother trying? You won’t acknowledge it anyway?” Give it a go for a few months, trust them. When they do something that triggers doubt in you, instead of flying off the handle, just give them the opportunity to explain, so that you understand. Eventually they will feel trusted by you and will therefore honour that trust. And if they don’t, well, maybe they’re not the right person for you.
4. Put your ego aside
I’ve written a bit about the ego in the past, so if you want more detail, read some of my previous blogs (one called EGO and another about Managing Relationships around the Christmas Table). To summarise though, the ego’s job is to keep us in our box, to protect our identity and encourage us not to change. The biggest threat to our identity as an individual, is of course love. So, when we’re in a relationship, our ego feels threatened and comes out to cause havoc just when things seem to be going along smoothly. It might do this by tricking you into thinking you’re better than your partner, or even by tricking you into thinking you’re not worthy of them. Either way, it’s causes a rift between you, thereby making the ego feel safe. The ego hates change, so if you’re undergoing changes with your partner, such as moving house, starting a business or having a baby, the ego blames the relationship and tension ensues.
The best way to deal with the ego is to first acknowledge that that’s what’s going on. Then have a chat with your ego and say, “I know what you’re up to buddy, and I appreciate you looking out for me, but I’ve got this, so back in your box!”
By keeping these ideas in the back of my mind and by sharing them with my husband and discussing them openly, they’ve contributed hugely to what I feel is a really strong, solid, trusting, safe, fun relationship. We both still have emotional baggage that pops up from time to time, but we help one another shift it. We have each other’s backs, we trust each other, we support and understand each other and we fight to keep the egos at bay.
To book a free 20 minute consultation to see how I can help you implement these tips, go to the contacts page of this website.