Over the years I’ve seen a lot of couples struggling to make their relationship work. When a relationship is stressed, communication is poor, trust is diminished, and each partner feels isolated and scared.
Obviously, there’s an infinite number of things that can stress a relationship and each relationship is completely unique, however, I have found a number of similar stresses that come up again and again with clients.
#1 Emotional Baggage
Firstly, and probably most influentially, is the emotional baggage that people bring into a relationship. When we don’t overcome past negative experiences, we store them for later on, only to be triggered by our partner, and often causing a huge disconnect that can’t be resolved by talking it through. Why? Because this issue, wasn’t born in the relationship. It’s from another time and place, so it can’t be solved within this relationship and it just keeps going around and around in circles until everyone gets dizzy and then packs it away for another time.
Negative of traumatic experiences can effect our relationships for two main reasons. One, if not processed, the emotions can be easily triggered, which cause arguments or disconnect within a relationship. And Two, we use our experiences of the past to inform the way in which we interpret our world and create the beliefs that we have about the world and the people around us.
Negative emotions aren’t good for you, so your mind is constantly looking for opportunities to finally process trapped emotions and let them go. So, when someone says something or does something to you that inspires a similar emotion, say, anger for example, your body says: “Oh yay, here’s our chance to release all that stored anger!” and you probably over-react, completely out of proportion to the current event, because the entire backlog of emotions is brought up. And then, as you’ve trained yourself so well, after letting off a little steam, or not at all if you’re really good, you just push it back down again. And in the process, you withdraw from your partner.
There are many ways to release trapped emotions. You can do it through physical movement, visualisation, scream therapy or meditation. But the best way I know is through EFT Tapping. EFT targets the original source of the emotion. By being so specific, it enables a greater release.
#2 Not Knowing How to Resolve Conflict
The next major stress, which is kind of related to the first one, is that couples don’t know how to resolve conflict. Once that trigger has been fired, it simply escalates until an explosion occurs and usually each party just leaves until they’ve calmed down and then they carry on as though nothing has happened, until next time. When I say conflict, I don’t necessarily mean yelling and shouting. Some people don’t fight this way. Some couples just withdraw from each other and pretend to themselves that because they’re not shouting that they’re not fighting. So, what if you could resolve each conflict, one at a time, in a way that finds a solution for each of you, where you both feel safe, and heard?
The first step is about STOPPING. As soon as you realise you’ve triggered something and fallen into that same old pattern, you have to stop the argument. Walk away. If you don’t, things will get worse.
Next, you have to CALM YOURSELF. No resolution can be found while you’re in the stress response, so you have to find an effective way to de-activate the stress response and shift into your rest and repair mode. EFT Tapping is a really effective way to do this. Other options include taking slow deep breaths, going for a walk, listening to some calming music, meditation. Don’t come back together until you are both in that relaxed, safe place.
Next, RE-CONNECT. Come back together and re-connect in a way that is right for you as a couple. For some it might be words such as “I love you, let’s work this out” or it might be by hugging, or touching in some way, maybe just sitting close on the couch, looking into each other’s eyes, hair stroking. Whatever it is for you that makes you both feel safe and connected.
The fourth step is to SHARE. From a place of compassion and curiosity each of you have a go at sharing your side of the story and your feelings, followed by the other partner repeating back what they’ve understood. If something has been misunderstood, clarify kindly and patiently.
Finally, it’s time for a RESOLUTION. Each partner has had the opportunity to speak and be heard in a way you haven’t done so before. By now there may be an obvious way in which to clear up and resolve this argument. If not, maybe right now isn’t the time to make a decision.
#3 Kids
Next, if you have them, is kids. The biggest stress that having children puts on a relationship is the lack of time to connect and nurture your relationship. And then there’s conflicting parenting styles and values.
Here’s some tips for staying connecting even when time is limited:
- If you have something to say just say it. Don’t put it off until the time is just right, because the time is never going to be ‘just right’.
- The same thing goes for connecting with one another. If you’re waiting for a candlelight dinner to feel close to one another you’d be well and truly on track for a split. So instead, make sure you hug, kiss and look at each other at any opportunity.
- Talk a lot on the phone. Share ideas, what’s going on in your day, keep each other up to speed. The evenings are usually hectic and you’re tired so just call each other and chat without the distraction of the kids.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff. Your time together is so precious, you don’t want to use it up with niggly little problems.
- Stay focussed on your goals. That way, if you’re wasting time on anything that’s not a goal you can bring yourselves back on track and also, you can remind yourself that although the kids take up a lot of time, raising your kids well is one of your greatest goals.
As for parenting, some couples do this really well because they have similar values but if your individual values don’t align that well, it can cause a lot of tension and disagreement when it comes to how you’re going to raise your kids. My suggestion is to sit down and figure out what your values are so when you come to loggerheads over something involving the kids, you can go back to your list and figure out the best course of action to support these values.
#4 In laws
Now I know we all like to laugh about it like it’s a great big joke, but in-laws…? Wow! Now if that’s not a strain on your relationship I don’t know what is. The main reason for the tension can be summarised in just one word– Ego.
The main job of the ego is to ensure the survival of your identity as an individual. And the best way the ego knows how to do this is to avoid change. It doesn’t want your ideas, your beliefs, your opinions to change because this threatens its sense of who you are. And what’s the one thing that threatens individuality more than anything? Togetherness and connection.
One way in which we have healthy relationships is to relate to one another, to understand and be compassionate, to be open to new ideas. The ego doesn’t like this, so it freaks out. And it’s a cheeky little critter, disguising itself in many different masks.
It could express itself by being an outspoken show-off, the classic loud-mouthed gloat. But then there’s the martyr who refuses to take a compliment and puts everyone else’s needs first. These people tend to play the victim and although they’re putting the focus on others by helping them, they take their power away and are controlling in an unobtrusive almost sneaky way. There’s the anxious ego who always fears what could go wrong, using it to resist change and just withdrawing into themselves. Then there’s the intellectual ego who thinks very rationally and can always find a logical reason to resist change. They use their intellect to put the opinions of others down, always taking the higher ground. There’s the controlling one who is highly inflexible and won’t change or adapt for anyone, so scared of losing their identity.
And when it comes to the in-laws, well they have a chance to influence and change our partner and even our kids, which has the potential to rock the steady familiar connection we have within our immediate family without us having any control over it.
So how do we manage our egos?
1. Learn to recognise when the ego is fighting for your identity and the different disguises it wears.
2. Choose connection over identity protection
3. Have a chat with your ego. Tell it “Thank you for protecting my identity, you’re doing a great job, but right now, I’ve got this”.
4. Acknowledge that the ego might be at work in some of your family members and forgive them for this, knowing that it’s just because they’re trying desperately to connect with you too.
#5 Failing to Work as a Team
Finally, and this is probably the underlying foundation of all of the previously mentioned stresses, because if you can this one right, you can find your way through all the others, is not working as a team.
When things become tense between a couple, the tendency of an individual is to withdraw into themselves because they no longer feel safe, or heard, or respected within the partnership. When this happens, the health of the relationship is forgotten and all that’s left is two individuals fighting for their own needs and wants. It’s at this time that their individual egos come out with their boxing gloves on.
But who’s fighting for the relationship? This is one of the biggest stresses on a relationship, because if no one’s fighting for the relationship, it will eventually shrivel up and die.
From now on I want you to think of things this way: There’s three entities in your relationship. There’s you, your partner and then the relationship itself. The role of the relationship is to be a solid foundation upon which you can both lead extraordinary lives. It’s the place where you can feel heard, unjudged, feel respected, understood and supported and most importantly, safe. And because of this gigantic role that relationship plays, you have to look after it. The relationship has needs of its own and if they’re not met, then it’s less able to support your needs. And you can’t fight for the relationship until you work together as a team.
Once you do this, you’ll realise that there’s a part of your lives that you share – this is the relationship, and parts of your life that are yours alone – that make up you as an individual. When you realise this, you will be able to give each other more freedom and reduce co-dependence. You will be able to let your partner lives their own life, knowing that there’s a big beautiful, reliable space that you can share together.
Out of all the stresses, this is probably the biggest, because as soon as you begin working as a team, you are better prepared to overcome the emotional baggage, resolve conflict, deal with the kids and also the in-laws.
For assistance in overcoming the stresses in your relationship, book your FREE 20 minute consultation now.