Relationships need boundaries. Here’s why. You and your partner (or friend, or parent, or child, or colleague) are a team. And you’re playing the game of life together. Now every game needs rules so that we know whether we’re doing the right thing or not. In regards to your relationships, the ‘right’ thing is that which helps to move the relationship forwards whilst supporting the individual member of the aforementioned team.
One of the primary reasons people enter into relationships is to satisfy their need for stability, and if the goal posts are constantly changing, it leaves the people of this relationship feeling unsafe and insecure.
Even though you’re in love, that doesn’t mean you have to do and be everything for your partner. In fact often, it’s healthier for the relationship and the individuals to exercise some level of independence.
I strongly encourage you to take the time to write a list of what your boundaries are and lovingly give it to your partner. Ask them to do the same. You could write it as a letter perhaps. A good place to start is with the recurring patterns of behaviour that from your partner that really make you feel uncomfortable. Here are some examples:
1. Please don’t lie to me about (eg. the people you spend time with, when you’ll be home, where you’ve been, what you spent money on). It makes me feel as though I can’t trust you.
2. Please don’t withhold the truth when it comes to . It makes me fill in the blanks and I know I always jump to the worst conclusion.
3. In no circumstances is it okay to get physically violent, whether it’s with me, the kids, the dogs or the bedroom door. Please seek ways to manage your anger more effectively.
4. When you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, I will not enter the emotion with you. I will hold your hand to help pull you out, but I won’t be pulled into the hole, otherwise we’ll both be stuck.
5. I’m happy to listen to your complaining if you guarantee that at the end of it you find a solution. I cannot stand seeing you keeping yourself in a negative state. If I can be a part of the solution let me know.
6. I will not allow you to blame me, instead I expect forgiveness and faith that I will do my best to take responsibility for what I have done and find a solution. When you blame me I feel disempowered and disconnected from you.
7. Do not use my weaknesses against me. Please have compassion and help me strengthen them instead.
8. Please don’t wake me at 2am to discuss an issue unless it’s an 8/10 or more. Otherwise it can wait until the morning.
9. Please stop comparing me to your ridiculously high expectations and punishing me where I fall short. Please accept me how I am.
10. I am happy to support you financially if the expense is one that I agree with. I work hard for my money and wish it to be wisely spent. I am happy to discuss any expenses that I don’t understand in order to see it from your perspective but if I fail to understand, please respect my decision.
11. Please do not criticize my friends. Although they wouldn’t be your first choice, they are mine for reasons I’d be happy to share with you if you’d care to understand.
12. There are certain things I don’t feel comfortable doing in bed. This does not mean I’m not open to the idea. Please just give me time to understand. Let’s create a space in which I feel safe, and then and perhaps over time I will be interested in exploring them.
13. Don’t judge me for my past sins. Give me a chance to learn and start fresh. Have faith in me that I can do this.
14. When I need time to recharge my batteries please give it to me. I need it to process information before coming back to you. It does not mean I don’t love you, I just need space in order to give more of myself to you, which is what I want to do.
15. When we’re discussing a challenging topic, sometimes I get overwhelmed and can’t think straight. Please do not push me. Once I’ve had a chance to clear my head, please trust that I will come back to the discussion.
16. Please respect these boundaries and allow me to gently remind you of them if you attempt to cross them again. I do however understand that it may take time to learn them and implement them in our lives, so I’m willing to work with you as we move into this new, healthier phase of our relationship.
Once your lists are done and you’ve shared them, you may find your partner doesn’t like some of your boundaries and vice versa. Here you will need to have a discussion about whether it’s just “no crossing this line for now, because I’m not ready and have issues around this, but I’ll work on it” or “never ever will I let this line be crossed because it’s not okay and will never be okay”. And then if you have stuff to work on, design a strategy for getting through it.
Here’s a few things to think about when creating your boundaries:
- In what areas of your relationship do you feel vulnerable or unsafe?
- What needs to happen in order to create a feeling of safety for you in your relationship?
- Which of your boundaries do you know are due to past negative experiences and are you willing to do the work required to overcome them for the sake of your relationship?
- Are any of your boundaries fear driven?
- Are any of your boundaries driven by your ego?
- Which of your current boundaries prevent a deeper level of emotional and physical intimacy?